Dealing With Difficult People (Part1)

The existence of difficult people is one of the unpleasant facts of life. There are people around and among us we consider obnoxious, wicked and vicious. History is littered with a long list of wicked men and women, kings and queens, dictators, charlatans, generals, psychopath, terrorists who will stop at nothing to destroy others.  Hitler, Lenin, Stalin, Osama bin Laden, Idi Amin, are among the notorious leaders and terrorists in history. In our society there are armed robbers, kidnappers, fraudsters, terrorists; people we will love to loathe. Perhaps we have had some unpleasant experience with a selfish neighbor or colleague and we wonder how we can cope with these ‘impossible’ people. Even in our parish community, it is not uncommon to see people with dubious character since the Church welcomes both saints and sinners. In our families we may have to put up with difficult spouse, children, siblings, relative and in-laws.

There are several passages in the Bible that affirm the existence of wicked people. In the Gospel of Matthew 13: 24-30, we have the parable of the weeds and the wheat. The farmer sows wheat. In the night the evil one sows weeds. The servants call the attention of the farmer to the growth of weeds in his farm. But the farmer discourages his servants from uprooting the weeds. The farmers says “let both of them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, collect the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn” (Matt 13: 30).  It is the will God that wheat and weed, sheep and goat, and good and evil should co-exist or live side by side. “I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, says the Lord, but that he turns from his way and live” (Ez 33: 11). God is not in a hurry to destroy the wicked (like the servants in the parable of the wheat and weed we wish God ‘uproots’ the wicked).

However, dealing with evil and wicked people can be a hard nut to crack. In our weakness we tend to relate with them with a lot of negativity. We are inclined to repay evil with evil. The fault of one person can become a stumbling block for many. The offense of one can become an occasion of sin for others. Responding negatively to the evil of others, we can endanger our own soul. In this short reflection, we will be discussing how not to relate with difficult people. What are the things we should NOT do in the face of evil of others?



DO NOT TO BE SCANDALIZED

We should not be scandalized, disturbed or distressed at the evil of others. We need not lose our peace of mind; lose our sleep in the face of the evils in this world. We must not be disoriented, disorganized and confused at the atrocities committed by others. In the face of horrendous evils around we ask: how can he do something like that? Why should she do something like that? And we may  be disturbed and distressed. St Francis says “let the brothers (and sisters) take care not to be disturbed or angered at the sin or the evil of others, because the devil wished to destroy many through the fault of one”. A member of a group does something despicable. Other members of the group become angry and resentful. They begin to gossip about it. They condemn and judge harshly the sinner. Inadvertently the sin of one member can lead other members to more dangerous sins like gossip, slander, resentment and malice. Indeed the devil can cause many to fall by the sin of one. It is possible for us to be calm and composed, self-possessed even in the face of terrible atrocities.


DO NOT BE ANGRY

When we are offended, our first reaction can go from disbelief to disgust to outrage. We are apoplectic with rage. We fret, fume and chafe. Anger is a natural instinct; it is human and quite normal.  In some circumstances we do not have time to decide whether to be angry or not. We are already angry. Nonetheless after the initial spontaneous reaction of anger, we should gradually permit our anger to dissolve, dissipate and fizzle away. We must never hold on to our anger, never fuel it; never allow it to brood or smolder; never allow our anger to take over our whole being; never allow anger to take away our peace of mind. If you are angry let it be without sin, the sun must not go down on your wrath. Do not give the devil a chance to work on you (Eph 4: 26-27). Even if we get angry, we should never allow our anger to lead us to sin. But if we allow our anger to linger or brood, it will ultimately lead to sin. The longer anger stays the surer it will lead to sin.  We need not allow the faults or the sins of others to constitute an occasion for our sin. Our anger is never justified. Man’s anger cannot satisfy God’s justice (Jam 1: 19-20).

But who is this Christian that is angry? Is he infallible? Is he impeccable or sinless? There are three likely possibilities:

First, we are not guilty of this particular fault. If we are not guilty of the same fault, it is not by our effort. It is only by the grace of God. It is only a proud person that will say: “I can never do that”. The ‘I’ that claims ‘it cannot do that’ is the ego or the false self. Unlike the proud, the saints are always humble. They believe that they are the worst sinners.  St Francis often says “I believe that I am the greatest of all sinners. If God had given the greatest criminal the mercy he has shown me, that man would be ten times more spiritual that I.”

Second, we are guilty of the same sin. If we are guilty of the same weakness or fault we are angry at, we become hypocrites. E.g. a parent accuses his children of stealing his money while he embezzles millions in his office. Let the one who has not sinned be the first to throw the stone (Jn 8:7). Sometimes what separates us from the persons we condemn is the fact that while our faults are hidden, their faults have become public knowledge.

Third, we may not be guilty of this particular sin but guilty of other sins this sinner is not culpable. I may not be guilty of adultery but guilty of slander. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it (Jam 2:10). If we disobey other God’s commandments what is the basis of our anger? By breaking one law we have broken the whole law.

Sometimes we attempt to correct others in anger. The correction that is heavily diluted with anger is ineffective. It can be counter- productive.  Our anger can eclipse the message we are trying to pass across. The offender cannot hear the offended because the noise of offended’s anger is too loud.  But if we are calm, composed and self-possessed, our correction will be more effective. Aristotle says “anybody can become angry that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power.”