Dealing With Difficult People (Part 2)

DO NOT JUDGE, CRITICIZE, CONDEMN

The bible makes it crystal clear that we have no right to judge our neighbours.  Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven (Lk 6:37). There is only one law giver and judge. Who are you to judge your neighbour? (Jam 4:12).

Prophet Nathan accosted King David. The prophet told David about a rich man and a poor man. How the rich man killed the only lamb that belonged to the poor man. Kind David retorted in anger: “as the Lord lives, the man who has done this deserves to die”! But when he realized that he was the person being referred to by the prophet he became silent. David was so eager to judge the other but very reluctant to judge or condemn himself to death (Cf. 2 Sam 12: 1-15).

We all have to minimize our criticism of others. We need to be less critical of others. Those who are hypercritical often turn out to be hypocritical. Richelle Goodrich says “there is no such thing as constructive criticism. There is constructive advice, constructive guidance, constructive counsel, encouragement, suggestion and instruction.  Criticism, however, is not constructive but a destructive means of fault-finding that cripples all parties involved”.


AVOID NAME CALLING

We may be quick to call people terrible names when they commit serious offence. The names are meant as a form of subtle insult or abuse to shame, humiliate or disgrace the offender. We may take a swipe at people; launch acerbic or vitriolic verbal attacks to embarrass or disgrace the other. Verbally humiliating others is never justified.

We believe that if we shame, disgrace an offender, this will serve as a punishment to him and as a deterrent to others. This is a twisted logic. “No one is genuinely humbled by public humiliation. No one is helped to own up mistakes by being ridiculed. No one is brought to repentance by being taunted or laughed at.” The person we humiliate may never forgive us or forget the sorrow we caused him. Mahatma Gandhi says “it has always been a mystery to me how many feel themselves honoured by the humiliation of their fellow beings”. We must never derive pleasure in humiliating others. When God found Adam and Eve naked He covered their shame. Let us do the same for our brothers and sisters in their moments of embarrassment. Let us cover the shame of our brothers and sisters.


DO NOT SPREAD THE FAULT OF ANOTHER

Bad news travel faster than good news. We all have the propensity to spread bad news more quickly than good news. When our neighbour does something terrible and scandalous, we are likely more eager to spread their faults abroad.   This behaviour is so pervasive and putrescent. Scandalous videos or photos become ‘viral’ in a matter of minutes. Scandalous videos are shared more rapidly on the internet than inspirational videos.

 When people do something heroic or laudable, we may just ignore them. We give it very little attention. We keep mum.
The offender still deserves his dignity and reputation. We should be reluctant to spread the faults of others. We should avoid gossip. Never destroy the reputation of others even when they have committed atrocious acts.


DO NOT DEMAND CHANGE AS A CONDITION FOR ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

While it is perfectly right to demand positive change from our brothers and sisters, we may not demand change as a condition of love and acceptance. We may desire change in another person, but whether the person will change or not is not within our power. There are many possibilities- the person may change; he may not/never change; he may change later; he may change very slowly. If we have to wait for change before we accept, love and forgive others we may have to wait for a very long time.

Perhaps we actually need change far more than the others. We may need to change our view and attitude to other. We may need to change our attitude of aggression to compassion, gossip to prayer, criticism to advice, anger to forgiveness.


DO NOT HATE

We do not hate the offender or keep grudges against the sinner. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him (1Jn 3:15). You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him (Lev 19:17). Hatred is like a red hot charcoal we aim at somebody. But before we throw it, it will first burn our own hand.

Hatred is  self-destructive. Hatred is self-defeating. According to St Maximos, “if we detect any trace of hatred in our hearts against any man whatsoever for committing any fault, we are utterly estranged from love for God, since love for God absolutely precludes us from hating any man.” What about praying for the offender? St Chrysostom says “no one can feel hatred towards those for whom he prays”.


CONCLUSION

We all need to learn how to cope with impossible people in our lives. We need to learn how to live in peace, love, harmony, and understanding even with ‘bad’ people. We must never give the devil an opportunity to destroy many through the fault of one. The offence of others must not be an occasion of sins for us. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Rom 12:21). Two wrongs can never make a right. We cannot achieve the right thing by doing the wrong thing. We cannot do the right thing in the wrong way.